Have you ever wondered, like I did what it is that is making cis het men allies? What are they doing to tell us that they are feminists and that they are there for us when we want them – when we need them? Are they fighting the feminist fights? Are they preaching feminism to other men? Are they donating to women’s charity?
The answer it turns out – none of the above.
Now of course, this is not a generalization to all people in the world. What this is is a privileged feminist perspective – the instagram (mostly straight hetero feminist) perspective. It is a perspective nevertheless and something that was eye opening for me.
A while ago, I posted an insta-story which went “We hear and feel so much hate and pain and frustration because of the men in our lives, in fiction and in history. In the spirit of powering through the patriarchy, tell me about the feminist men in your lives – family, friends, and romantic partners. Goodness knows I need to hear and see that there are feminist men in the world.” I bribed you all with sharing the stories and with writing a blog about it, but you lazy bums did not share many stories. I will make do with whatever is available (I know you get that feeling when choosing men too!). I have to thank Sarayu here for asking a similar question first and sharing the responses she got with me so this piece could have more voices.
Well, here are 8 (I am just as frustrated that this is not 10!) things feminist men are doing:
Encouraging and supporting career decisions. “Even when I felt like I could not do it, he supported me and told me I should at least try” said A. From fathers and brothers to partners – multiple women pointed this out as something feminist men do.
Not intimidated by me. “When I wanted to go to the US to study further, he encouraged me to do so,” said B. Earning more money, working in a first world country and having a higher degree have been considered as men’s roles. Supporting women to dream bigger (not in comparison with their husbands but with themselves) is something feminist men do.
Respect. “Respecting my ambition but also my personal space was very comforting for me” said C. While letting women be is good, respecting what we chose to do is something feminist men do.
Apologising. “We used to fight and debate and stay up all night talking but when he was wrong, he would apologise” said D. Accepting that there is another point of view, valuing another person’s lived experience and apologizing for their actions that hurt us is something feminist men do.
Validation about feelings. “He would sit for hours and listen to my frustration, my anger against the society and he would always say ‘what you feel is valid’ I have seen him say the same thing to other women as well” said E. It is frustrating to live in a patriarchal society, validating that feeling is something feminist men do.
Creating a comfortable space. “Every time I complain that I have to shave in order to wear a particular dress, he asks ‘why?’ making me feel a little more comfortable to be myself” said F. Making us feel comfortable in our own skin while the world tells us not to, is something feminist men do.
Recognise domestic work. “My father always gave full credit to the women in the family. He said their work was more important than his” said G. Unpaid domestic work often goes unrecognized by most of us, recognizing it and valuing it is something feminist men do.
Understands consent. “I am lucky enough to have found someone who understands what consent is and respects it” said H. In a culture of being unable to express ourselves, being someone who genuinely understands and respect consent is something feminist men do.
Knowing my audience, some of you at this point are thinking, but Aila, these are the bare minimum that men can do to be decent human beings. How do these things make them feminist? I agree with you. These are what all men should be doing, these are the bare minimum that all men should be doing. But considering our experience with society – I think we can afford ourselves some small celebrations. To the men who were talked about above, thank you! You are doing well but you can always do better. I mean, personally I think giving women orgasms is something that feminist men should be doing. Oh wait, I said orgasms, I meant equality (oopsie daisy).
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