When I started blogging, and like one celebrity, I did a poll on instagram asking what I should write about, “gender” was one of the things that came up multiple times (of the 5 people that responded, I think 2 said gender, so, technically, my statement is factual). In the past few days, something happened that made me want to write about it. So, here I am!
A page I follow (and love) on instagram, recently “called out” a couple of people for their social media posts, made 9-10 year ago. These posts were casteist. While there is nothing new about casteist posts in our country, these particular posts were made by a feminist doctor and the founder of a feminist web portal (feminist being the key word here). I follow this particular doctor and the web portal and love the content that is put out by both. So, I took this “calling out” very personally. I wanted to know if I should stop following either of them.
Fortunately, these two women put out unconditional apologies to their past posts. They did not say things like “I was young and naive” or “I did not know any better then.” They simply apologised and said they should have known better and that they will do better in the future - promising to learn and form committees within their organisations to improve inclusivity. Frankly, I was happy! Relieved to see privileged people take responsibility for their actions and apologise for saying shit. But, this is only half the story.
The comments section exploded (well, a few 100 comments might not qualify for explosion, but still) with two kinds of comments. The first were from people like me - savarna women appreciating the two people for apologising and calling them brave and telling them “we got you.” The second were from DBA (Dalit, Bahujan and Adivasi) people saying two things - firstly, that people from oppressor castes (such as myself) cannot ‘accept’ the apology that these women were giving, because we are not the people that these posts hurt; secondly, an apology is not enough, action needs to be taken. The page that called these people out in the first place went one step ahead and put up more stories about how the apology of the doctor was wrong and that she has to dedicate 85% of her content to BDA causes. They said that the co-founder has to resign from her position in the web portal.
I have to admit at this point that I was an ass. My immediate instinct was, at least these people are owning up to what they did and apologising. They are promising to change and be better. It was something that they said a decade ago and it's very possible that they have changed since then. I was upset that nothing seems to be “enough.” I wondered who these people on the internet think they are to tell others what to do - to tell someone to resign from an organisation that she built over years. And genuinely, I am ashamed of myself for thinking these things.
Somewhere in all these privileged, entitled, upper caste, arrogant thoughts, I asked myself one question - What if this was a gender issue? And a series of questions followed. If the man who abused me apologised to me, would that be enough? If he unconditionally apologised and took responsibility for his actions of hurting me and many other children and “promised to be better” - would that be enough? If he established a committee within his own organisation to ensure he does not misbehave, will that be enough?
IT WAS NEVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH.
The pain that is caused by an oppressor will not be wiped away by an apology. The trauma that is caused by years of abuse will not be washed away by committees. It is very easy to oversee the trauma that you have not experienced. To even think that people have to move on. I have and always will be an upper caste feminist. As will most of my friends (unfortunately). If we cannot do anything else, we can at least accept this fact and make space for non-upper caste women. The least we can do is not apologise, the least we can do is listen and act.
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